Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We had to coat check the pizza.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
