We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
