she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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