My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
