just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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