life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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