Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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