I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
