Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
