: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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