I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
