I just cut my nipple shaving
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
where are you?
Hypothermia
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
