miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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