What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
