I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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