90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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