My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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