I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
