If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
