Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
