We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
