remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
