I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
