this just has baby written all over it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
