i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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