i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
