He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
