ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
