I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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