I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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