My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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