Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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