Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
