i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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