im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
