I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
