Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
