the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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