She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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