Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
