just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
