do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
