I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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