you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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