Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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