i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
