Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
