listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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