maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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