i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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